10 years ago this week...

It has been 10 years since my mom breathed her last.  I remember the day and the days leading up to it like it was yesterday.  I was in college at UWF, and I had a night class.  My mom had called me right before it started to tell me that she had called an ambulance and was heading over to the hospital.  She had so many health problems, and this was not super out of the ordinary.  I told her I would come right away, and she said not to, to just stay and she'd let me know later how she was doing.  Hours passed and I never heard anything.  That would be our last conversation.  

When I didn't hear from her, I called and called her cell phone.  I remember calling Mrs. Jean Lamberson and probably Ms. Kay Geoghagan and Ms. Vicki Morgan to find out if they knew how she was.  And I prayed.  Oh, how I prayed.  I begged God for some sort of information about her.  Sometime in the middle of the night, my phone rang.  What a dread it is to hear the phone ringing in the middle of the night.  It's almost never good news.  It was my mom's doctor letting me know that her heart had stopped several times and they had been able to revive her, but I should come right away.  

I ran into Hallie's room.  Our friend Valerie was spending the night, and I didn't know what to do, I just burst into tears and said, "My mom's dying!  I have to leave!"  They immediately got up and drove me the 2ish hours to Panama City.  Everything after that is truly a blur.  I remember the doctors telling me that I had to make the decision of whether or not they should resuscitate her if she needed it.  I remember lying outside on the back patio of my mom's house once I had made it home to St. Joe that night, looking up at the stars, begging God to do something, to help her, to heal her.  I remember sweet friends around me.  I even remember laughing to myself at one point:  at the time, there was a pastor from St. Joe who I literally saw absolutely everywhere we went (Chinese restaurant?  he's there.  Piggly Wiggly?  he's there.  Dollar store?  there.)  Guess who happened to be visiting someone at the hospital?  And guess who was in the room at the time of my mom's death?  Yep.  And it still makes me giggle at how absurd it was that he was there in that moment, but somehow it was fitting.  

When her final hour came, there was a handful of other people there as well.  Ms. Kay suggested singing hymns around her bed in the ICU.  We sang and cried.  She was unresponsive, and I don't exactly know how death works, but I believe she could hear us.  At the moment of her death we were singing "Jesus, Name Above All Names."  Only God could orchestrate a moment so sweet - my mom sang this to me every night before I went to bed.  I sing it to Luca sometimes, and I usually can't make it through without crying.

What a dark moment, yet so full of hope.  We are not meant to die!  Death is unnatural, and even though it happens to everyone sooner or later, it is not how it was originally supposed to be.  We were created for so much more than this world.  If this world was all there was, I would grieve with no hope.  But thanks be to God, I can grieve over my mom and miss her terribly with full assurance that she is with the Lord.  And definitely not based on her own merit.  My mom would have been the first to tell anyone what a sinner she was.  She had much guilt from her past choices in life, but that guilt was washed away by Jesus!  She completely trusted Him to save her.  She knew she could never save herself.  She did not look or act like a typical "church lady."  She offended people and got angry and had addictions, but I learned more from her about what it truly means to trust Jesus for my salvation than anyone else I've ever known.  With my mom, there was no doubt.  It was 100% Jesus 0% her.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.

He only is my rock and my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.  

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.  

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;  I shall not be shaken.  

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my might rock, my refuge is God."

from Psalm 62*

It has been 10 years.  But she's no less days to sing God's praise then when she had first begun.

I came across some pictures that I hadn't even realized 

look so similar of my mom and me and of Luca and me :)

*As I was typing this I was listening to Shane and Shane (still never gets old to me, probably because most of their lyrics are straight out of Scripture).  Right after I typed part of Psalm 62, their song "Psalm 62" came on :)  I love it when God reminds me of His presence and trustworthiness through something even as small as the timing of when a song plays.

Two Sides to Every Story

Perspective #1:  I have so much to be thankful for!

My baby slept until 7:30 this morning!  I got around 7 hours of sleep (which is so much better than the 2-3 hours at a time I got in the beginning!)  My husband's hardest days of the week are over, and we get to have dinner together tonight (white chicken chili in the crockpot - yummy).  I went to Target this morning to grab a few extra things I needed to make the chili (plus No More Tangles for Luca's hair, haha).  While we were in there, Luca only started to cry once!  Now we are home and I've just laid him down for his morning nap (a little late, but maybe we can salvage what's left before I feed him again).  We have been trying to wean him off of his swaddle since he's crazy strong and we are afraid he will roll over in the middle of the night.  He has been doing super well with just one arm out - his daytime naps aren't great, but he sleeps through the night without crying until sometime between 7-8 am.  There's a lot to be thankful for.  


Perspective #2:  There is so much going wrong!

Last week Luca was sleeping from 8-8, now suddenly he's been waking up earlier around 7, which messes up the daytime schedule I was hoping for him to have.  Alex has been gone so much the last few days (he works late several times a week and those days are SO HARD - he's gone about 15 hours).  I am so mad at myself for forgetting 2 items for tonight's dinner when I went to Kroger earlier this week.  Why do I always forget stuff??  It's hard to go to the store with a baby, I can't just run in and run out, and he usually cries.  I mean, today he only cried once, but it was SO LOUD and people were staring at me like, "Can you quiet your baby please?" Which of course I can't, because he doesn't take a pacifier, so when he cries there's not a whole lot I can do in the middle of a store.  This week is so hard because we have been weaning Luca from his swaddle and he just. won't. sleep (during the daytime naps).  It's just taking forever for him to get used to even one arm out, who knows how long it will take for him to learn to be unswaddled completely.  

There really are 2 sides to every story!  Writing out these two different perspectives of the exact same morning is an exercise that the author of Calm My Anxious Heart recommended.  After you write out the different perspectives (or you could also write out two lists of things in your life, one positive, one negative), really consider which one consumes your thoughts the most.  For me, it's the second one - but that can change.    

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  
2 Corinthians 10:5

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  1 Thessalonians 5:16

In order to grow and become more like Jesus, we have to take control of our thoughts.  When I was teaching it wasn't as difficult, because I barely had time to think about anything except lesson plans and reading groups, and how I have got to get around to teaching Science and Social Studies at some point (haha, I think my fellow teachers will understand that struggle).  Now that I am staying at home with Luca, there's way more time to let my thoughts get the best of me.  And they almost always go to the negative side of things.  Sometimes they're negative thoughts about others and sometimes they're about myself... either way, it's not good!

Somewhere along the way I have become very passive.  Passive might be too nice a word - I think lazy probably describes it more accurately.  I have just assumed lately that as a Christian, I would just become more like Christ without really really hard work.  My fear of legalism caused this.  I used to hang out on the legalism side of the street, and now I've headed over to the opposite side, which is encompassed by a bunch of laziness on my part and not wanting to "do too much," because I don't want to be entrapped by the snare of legalism again.  If only I could stay nicely in the balanced middle ground - understanding that I'm saved through faith and not works, but that coasting along is not going to do much if I am wanting to look more like Jesus and "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."  

Now, I'm not talking about faking it - pretending everything's fine and just talking about "the good stuff" so people think I am a happy positive person.  I'm sure there's a lot of that going on in churches (which is a whole different issue).  I'm talking about taking an honest look at what we dwell on, and if it's mostly the negative, to realize what this is doing to our hearts and minds, and to the people who we are around the most (our roommates, our spouse, our parents, our children, our students).  

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  Luke 6:45

23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.  Proverbs 4:23

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:2

I hope this is an encouragement to some who, like me, may be struggling with having a genuinely thankful heart.  Just remember - these things don't happen overnight.  Here is a helpful quote from the book:

"My negative thoughts are like impatient toddlers, jumping up and down and screaming, 'Look at me, look at me.'  Jesus and I take the negative toddler thoughts and send them to time-out so we can focus on the good thoughts.  Sometimes they don't obey.  They get up out of the chair and once again scream for attention.  Then Jesus and I take those thoughts back to the time-out chair."  

I appreciated that analogy, because just as we train children (again and again and again.  and again.  and then 3 more times), we have to train our own minds the same way.  I like things to happen right away, but they won't.  This life of becoming more like Jesus is a marathon, not a sprint.  Be encouraged, repent if you aren't thankful, and ask God to help you.  He will, and He doesn't want you to live in the guilt.  

Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.Psalm 55:22

O Happy Day

Luca slept from 8 pm - 8 am with a "dream feed" around 10:30 pm.  I realize that something this short could have been a Facebook post, but something this monumental needs to be commemorated by something more substantial, you know, like a blog post.  Or a trophy.  Maybe I'll get him his first trophy with a sleeping baby on top.  I mean, we're not into giving kids trophies for doing nothing, but come on.  This is huge!*  :)

Here is a picture of Luca realizing he had slept all night and that
he didn't get to wake us up in the middle of the night like he likes to do :)

And another one, where he's at least
not making the angry face :)

*I realize I may have jinxed the whole thing by getting this excited.  We shall see what tomorrow brings!

Comparison and Contentment

I've been dwelling on contentment lately.  What it looks like, what it means, how to actually be content.  A friend loaned me a book on anxiety after I shared with her that I had been struggling with that a lot since becoming a mother.  I want to be a peaceful person, especially as Luca grows up in our home.  The first chapter is all about contentment, and the passage it focuses on is Philippians 4:11-13.  It's funny, I wouldn't have started a book on anxiety with a chapter on contentment - I may have focused on peace, or trust in God, which to me seems to be the opposite of anxiety.  But after reading that chapter and dwelling on the verses, I have found that contentment is very much at the heart of pulling anxiety out of my life.  A content person is not an anxious person, but a peaceful person.  Contentment seems to be a root of all kinds of good traits.

"For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  

The book I'm reading focuses on how if Paul said he learned the secret to be content, then so can we.  He wasn't more or less holy than us (all of us who believe are clothed with Jesus' righteousness, just as Paul was).  We can learn from his writings and teachings and apply these things to our life, and with the power of God (I can do all things through him who strengthens me) we can learn to be content.  I can imagine if I learn how to be content in any circumstance, that will bring my anxiety level way down!  

As far as I can tell, the times in my life when I've been the least content, comparison lies at the root of it.  I love the quote, "Comparison is the thief of all joy."  It's so true, and comparison can shift so seamlessly into jealousy and bitterness, which is detrimental to friendships and happiness.  These are the sins that I often ignore in myself and pretend they aren't a big deal, yet they are so dangerous!  

Proverbs 14:30
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

I wrote two different blogs about 5 years ago about comparison in general, and comparison and Facebook.  I reread them today, to see where I was then and where I am now in my thoughts/struggles.  Back then I was mostly comparing myself and struggling with contentment in my singleness and body/self-image.  I still struggle with self-image (I would imagine most women do), but since July 10, 2014, my comparison issues have moved from physical beauty to motherhood and all that comes with it.  I can't tell you how many times I've repeated these lies to myself in the last 2 months, "No one's baby is as fussy as mine.  Why are all the babies on Facebook happy and mine isn't?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm not good at this, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm hurting him somehow because otherwise he wouldn't be fussy."  My husband has comforted me through many tears as he tried to help me see these things aren't true.  I am fighting to see myself as God sees me because of Christ, and to see that "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  He has given (and will keep giving) me the tools I need to be a good mama to Luca*.  I need to stop looking around me and comparing my own situation to someone else's.

I am thankful to God for His many blessings and that He reveals sins to me that I didn't realize were so dangerous, so that I can repent and ask for His help in overcoming them.  

I John 1:5-10  "This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."

*Luca is exceptionally fussy, and we are doing what we can to figure it out practically (my diet, possible reflux/medication).  This particular post is simply about my heart's attitude toward having a fussy baby.

Date Night!

Last night my sweet friend Hallie offered to come hang out with Luca while Alex and I went on our first date since Luca was born (and kind of our first date in over a year, because my pregnancy pretty much made me want to sit on the couch all the time instead of going to do things).  I wasn't anxious about leaving him, since Hallie is awesome, but it was pretty weird at first to both be in the car and him not be there.  We've each been away from him but not both at the same time.  It seems like he did a pretty good job for Aunt Hallie while we were gone.  We fed him and put him to bed before we left, and he only woke up crying once or twice and finally slept the rest of the time.  We didn't know how it would be go, because our little booger won't take a bottle which makes outings a little difficult.  He is sleeping between 7-9 hours at night though, so he was pretty much out the whole time we were gone.  Yay Luca!

Alex and I went to eat at Sitti.  We had each only been there one other time, and all I remembered from last time I went was how AMAZING the bread is.  We had tried to make a reservation earlier in the day, but they didn't have a time that worked for us, so we figured we would just go and see how long the wait was.  They told us it would be a 45 minute wait, and then my charming husband tells the hostess that its our first date since our baby was born and to go ahead and add our name to the list, that we didn't mind waiting.  The hostess says, "Oh my goodness!  Well, let me see... I can seat you guys right now."  Alex, working his magic!  It made me think of that episode of Friends (because everything is an episode of Friends!) where Chandler tries to slip the maitre d' money to seat them early.  The only difference in these situations is that Alex actually got us seated early and Chandler didn't ;)  The dinner was super good - of course we ate way too much of that awesome bread and weren't really that hungry by the time the meal came... but we still enjoyed all of it!

Last night was a cool, beautiful fall night - of course my Panamanian husband had to wear a toboggan on his head, because he's always cold and doesn't enjoy the fall as much as I do!  After dinner we walked around downtown and then rode around a little on one of the bicycle rickshaws, which neither of us had ever done before.  It was a great first date to leave Luca home, because we didn't have a big plan or a timetable in case Hallie called and said Luca was awake and hungry.  We really want to see a movie soon, but until he takes a bottle that idea is probably not going to happen.  If any of you have tips for getting a baby to take a bottle again (while continuing to nurse), message me.  We want it to happen!

It was a lovely first date post-Luca.  My husband is sweet and I'm thankful that even though we're married, we are still dating :)

Did I mention I went on a date with Enrique Iglesias?  ;)

The Baby Fog

We have a fussy one folks.  He's super cute, but from what I've been told, these first few months are just not as rewarding as when he can smile back and interact with us.  For now, there are pretty much screams.  Lots and lots of screams.  But he is precious, and there are definitely sweet moments.  It's worth it, and I find myself with a thankful heart even in the moments where I am crying along with him because he just won't. stop. screaming. and I can't seem to do anything to help.  

Before he was born, I had every intention of researching all kinds of sleep training info, scheduling vs. feeding on demand, and much much more in the weeks before his due date.  Sigh.  He came early.  I was glad not to be pregnant anymore, but I was just a tad unprepared.  Enter lack of sleep (well, really no sleep at all for the first week) and Alex and I not having a clue what we were doing, and that's a recipe for total success ;)  

The one thing I really forgot was this.  Call upon the Lord.  Trust in the Lord.  This child was given to us by the Lord.  We have been chosen (for some unknown reason) to love him and raise him.  God's mercies are new every morning.  And I sure do need new mercies every morning.  I've never been in a situation where I had to give so much of myself with so little in return (again, there are sweet rewards, but I'm just being honest... it's pretty one-sided).  Alex and I have fought like we've never fought before, but I'm so thankful to have worked through our fights every single time with him, usually recognizing we were both wrong, or no one was wrong and we were just living off of 1-2 hours of sleep.  He's  a good man, and I'm thankful for him.

We are starting to emerge from the "baby fog" that has been over us for the last 2 months.  He's not sleeping through the night completely yet, and we don't know why he screams all the time.  He has good days and then he has very very bad days, but things are slowly starting to normalize.

Even with all the things that I get frustrated about on a daily (hourly) basis, it will do my heart good to list some things I'm incredibly thankful for:

-Our baby is alive, well, and home with us.
-Luca has recently started to sit in his swing and in his "napper" for about 10 minutes completely content (this is definitely a new development).
-I see my mom in him sometimes from certain angles, and it's always very surprising and very sweet.
-The tiny bit of sleep training we have been attempting (after discussing with his pediatrician what was appropriate for his age and figuring out what we are comfortable with) seems to be bearing some fruit in the last day or two.
-He is able to breastfeed, and even through some rough patches, he's still doing well at it.  Last night in particular, he was refusing to eat, and after a desperate prayer aloud to God, he ate.  That was a direct answer to prayer, and I praise Jesus for that!  It's so hard to see my baby hungry and not be able to help him.
-On Alex's 2 extra long days at work during the week, God has provided friends that check on me, listen to me, study the Bible with me, pray for me, watch Hulu and Netflix with me, and help me with Luca when I am overwhelmed by his screaming.
-My friend Lauren helped me to set up a free baby monitor by Skyping with myself using a tablet and our desktop computer.  So helpful - I was waking him up so often when I would check on him, which is never fun!  We're still going to order one so we can see him at nighttime but it's so helpful to have this set up for his daytime naps.  Plus, it's free :)
-I figured out how to swaddle him safely in the carseat and he has calmed way down in the car and been able to soothe himself better (and not scratch his little face all up).  
-Alex's long days are very hard for both of us, but I am trying to be thankful in the midst of that.  I'm glad to be married to a hard worker who is willing to do what it takes to provide for us.  
-I am having to rely on the Lord for things I used to consider small and within the realm of my control.  So much is outside of the realm of my control now, and I'm seeing my need for God in the mundane everyday things much more than I have in the past few years.

That's my list for today.  I want to have a thankful heart, because it's so easy for me to be overwhelmed by the anxiety in my heart and my worries, fears, and doubts about myself as a mom.  God will help me, and I must remind myself of the ways He has already helped me every day of my life, since Luca was born, and long before.  

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22 ESV)

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. (Proverbs 12:25 ESV)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV)

Poucha

As I type this, I have a wet chihuahua wrapped up in a towel sitting on my lap.  I just gave her a bath, and it might be her last one.  She has been getting sicker and sicker in the time since Luca was born.  It could be psychological, it could be something physical making her sick and causing her to lose her appetite.  I don't know what it is, but the vet suggested today that the most humane decision might be to put her to sleep.

I want to say up front that I love dogs and other animals, but I recognize a difference between a pet and a person.  This post is in no way meant to be comparable to those who are struggling with the sickness or death of a friend or family member.  That being said, I do still feel that I can grieve the potential loss of this sweet diva of a dog.  She has been a part of my family since I was 17.  I was in high school for crying out loud!  She has been with me through so many life changes.  When we got her, she was so in love with my mom.  She followed her everywhere, my mom was "her person."  She tolerated my dad and me, but my mom was who she lived for.  My heart was broken for hundreds of reasons when my mom passed away, but the icing on the cake of my grief was seeing Poucha confused, looking for her at the door, and it would cause me to weep over the loss of my mom all over again.

After my mom died, I took Poucha with me to college.  My roommates, Hallie and Ali were so gracious to let me bring her to our apartment.  I hid her from the apartment office staff for a while, but I decided I needed to be up front (they didn't allow pets, even with a deposit or fee).  After telling them about her, they initially said I couldn't keep her, and then the lady offered to buy her from me because her daughter loved chihuahuas.  Um, no!  She's not for sale, Cruella!  I'm so thankful that they eventually allowed me to keep her in the apartment.  That was a gift from God, because I really didn't have the means to move, but I wasn't ready to give her away.  She has always been a link to the memory of my mom.

On the road again!

After college, Poucha and I packed up and moved back to Port St. Joe, where we lived in our old house again.  As time went on, I became "her person."  We lived there for a while, then we packed up again and moved to Raleigh.  All the roommates I had before I got married were gracious to be ok with having a dog in the house, even though some of them weren't dog people (Emily and Nicole!)  :)  I think Kristin liked dogs, but I know it still took a lot of grace, because dogs do make a house harder to clean.

Practicing the art of avoiding Rupert

Eventually, I bought a house in Raleigh and Poucha and I moved again.  Her little life was pretty darn good until... Alex Batista came along.  I was Poucha's person, how dare I get a person for myself!  While we were dating, it wasn't too bad, but when we got married and Alex moved in, she was pretty mad for a while!  :)  Her world was rocked to the core.  And just when she got used to him (sort of), we went and got... ANOTHER DOG.  Her world seriously almost ended.  Rupert loves Poucha, but Poucha was not having any of it.  Now, she is a diva, but I have a soft spot for her diva-ness, because I know chihuahuas typically bond to one person, and her first person was taken away, then her second person was having to be shared with all these other people.  Poor Pooch!

Alex bribing Poucha to tolerate him :)

Before Alex and I even knew we were pregnant, we think Poucha knew.  I had gone on a weekend trip to Nashville to spend time with some of my best friends Nicole, Erin, and Amber.  When I got back, Poucha would not leave my side, and when I would close the bedroom door to sleep at night, she would sniff under the door and whine to be with me.  It got so weird that Alex asked me if I thought I might be pregnant.  And I was!

I don't want to pinpoint a reason for what she's going through now, but truly, my being pregnant probably pushed her over the edge a bit.  Throughout my pregnancy, I had an aversion to smells, and my dogs definitely didn't get as many (or any) snuggles from me during the first trimester (and into the second too).  Poor things, but I just couldn't do it.  No matter how many baths we gave them, there was no way I could be near them.  It sounds terrible, but if a nice person had come to my door and asked if they could have my dogs during that season, I probably would have said yes!  Thankfully that ended and once I was feeling better I spent more time with them.

However, once Luca was born, Poucha stopped eating.  This breaks my heart, but we have tried everything we could think of.  The last effort is to give her some appetite stimulants for a few days and see if that makes a difference.  If not, we will most likely be putting her to sleep.  I have cried a lot this morning, just thinking about how my entire adult life I have had this dog by my side.  15 years is a long time.  She has had a good life, and I hope she has more years left in her, but if she doesn't, I want to make the best choice for her if she is suffering right now.


It's always sad to lose a pet, but I feel as though I'm losing a piece of my mom.  I know lots of people who loved my mom so her memory isn't gone by any means, but to me, Poucha brought my mom comfort when she was sick, in pain, and going through the sadness of the last year of her life.  I know she's just a dog, but she knew my mom, she loved my mom, and I feel like we went through that difficulty together.

Poucha is still here with me now, and I'm going to snuggle her a lot in the next few days.  Regardless of how long she has left, I'm thankful for the way she's impacted my adult life, and I'm glad she's been with me for the last 15 years.