The Baby Fog

We have a fussy one folks.  He's super cute, but from what I've been told, these first few months are just not as rewarding as when he can smile back and interact with us.  For now, there are pretty much screams.  Lots and lots of screams.  But he is precious, and there are definitely sweet moments.  It's worth it, and I find myself with a thankful heart even in the moments where I am crying along with him because he just won't. stop. screaming. and I can't seem to do anything to help.  

Before he was born, I had every intention of researching all kinds of sleep training info, scheduling vs. feeding on demand, and much much more in the weeks before his due date.  Sigh.  He came early.  I was glad not to be pregnant anymore, but I was just a tad unprepared.  Enter lack of sleep (well, really no sleep at all for the first week) and Alex and I not having a clue what we were doing, and that's a recipe for total success ;)  

The one thing I really forgot was this.  Call upon the Lord.  Trust in the Lord.  This child was given to us by the Lord.  We have been chosen (for some unknown reason) to love him and raise him.  God's mercies are new every morning.  And I sure do need new mercies every morning.  I've never been in a situation where I had to give so much of myself with so little in return (again, there are sweet rewards, but I'm just being honest... it's pretty one-sided).  Alex and I have fought like we've never fought before, but I'm so thankful to have worked through our fights every single time with him, usually recognizing we were both wrong, or no one was wrong and we were just living off of 1-2 hours of sleep.  He's  a good man, and I'm thankful for him.

We are starting to emerge from the "baby fog" that has been over us for the last 2 months.  He's not sleeping through the night completely yet, and we don't know why he screams all the time.  He has good days and then he has very very bad days, but things are slowly starting to normalize.

Even with all the things that I get frustrated about on a daily (hourly) basis, it will do my heart good to list some things I'm incredibly thankful for:

-Our baby is alive, well, and home with us.
-Luca has recently started to sit in his swing and in his "napper" for about 10 minutes completely content (this is definitely a new development).
-I see my mom in him sometimes from certain angles, and it's always very surprising and very sweet.
-The tiny bit of sleep training we have been attempting (after discussing with his pediatrician what was appropriate for his age and figuring out what we are comfortable with) seems to be bearing some fruit in the last day or two.
-He is able to breastfeed, and even through some rough patches, he's still doing well at it.  Last night in particular, he was refusing to eat, and after a desperate prayer aloud to God, he ate.  That was a direct answer to prayer, and I praise Jesus for that!  It's so hard to see my baby hungry and not be able to help him.
-On Alex's 2 extra long days at work during the week, God has provided friends that check on me, listen to me, study the Bible with me, pray for me, watch Hulu and Netflix with me, and help me with Luca when I am overwhelmed by his screaming.
-My friend Lauren helped me to set up a free baby monitor by Skyping with myself using a tablet and our desktop computer.  So helpful - I was waking him up so often when I would check on him, which is never fun!  We're still going to order one so we can see him at nighttime but it's so helpful to have this set up for his daytime naps.  Plus, it's free :)
-I figured out how to swaddle him safely in the carseat and he has calmed way down in the car and been able to soothe himself better (and not scratch his little face all up).  
-Alex's long days are very hard for both of us, but I am trying to be thankful in the midst of that.  I'm glad to be married to a hard worker who is willing to do what it takes to provide for us.  
-I am having to rely on the Lord for things I used to consider small and within the realm of my control.  So much is outside of the realm of my control now, and I'm seeing my need for God in the mundane everyday things much more than I have in the past few years.

That's my list for today.  I want to have a thankful heart, because it's so easy for me to be overwhelmed by the anxiety in my heart and my worries, fears, and doubts about myself as a mom.  God will help me, and I must remind myself of the ways He has already helped me every day of my life, since Luca was born, and long before.  

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22 ESV)

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. (Proverbs 12:25 ESV)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV)