I came across this article: "Is Christian Cynicism a Spiritual Sickness?" this morning. It is good. And it close-to-perfectly describes me lately. Lately, as in the last few years. I couldn't put it into words adequately, until I read the article. It helped me get to the bottom of a few things, including my own cynicism, how it began, and where I go from here.
My Struggle:
I can't pinpoint exactly when my journey away from joy and trust and into cynicism began. I can, however, articulate the mindset shift that started it all. Maybe I was watching a tv show where they made fun of Christians for the millionth time. Maybe another friend or relative made a comment about my ignorance for believing the Bible. Either way, I had this eye-opening moment where I realized, truly, how the world views Christians. I realized people think we are dumb. Like, completely 100% ignorant. There's very little respect for people who trust in Jesus, and who believe the Bible to be true, therefore adhere to its teaching.
It snowballed from there. I'm an observer, and once I realized this, I dwelled (dwelt?) on it a lot. Have you ever had a friend come visit your home or your city for the first time? And you see it through totally different eyes, and you imagine what they might think of it? I began to do that with my faith.
I started to constantly think of what others must think of me, of what I would say. On Sunday mornings I would sing along, and as I was attempting to worship, these thoughts would enter my brain: "What would ________ think of these words? In what way would _________ combat what I'm saying? How would _________ put me down for believe this?" And yes, there were specific people in my head.
As Facebook has become a huge part of most people's lives, so would my thoughts of what my FB friends would think of things I might post there. Anytime I would think of something that I believe could be an encouragement to other people who believe the Bible, I would immediately scroll through a mental list of which people will think I'm dumb, ignorant, naive, politically incorrect, or even hateful for sharing it. And then I would usually make the conscious decision not to share it.
This cynicism isn't working for me. My joy has been replaced by constant thoughts and fears about how I am perceived by people in my life who believe differently. I have been deeply hurt by comments others have made to me regarding my faith. There are many Christians around the world as I type this who are suffering unspeakable things for their faith. I think of these believers each night as I go to bed warm in my comfortable bed, and I pray desperately for them, and I pray that if I'm ever in a situation such as theirs, that God will sustain me, just as He is now.
Words hurt. They wound deeply, and although I am not experiencing persecution in the true physical sense of the word, I do think ridicule is painful, and I think Satan can ultimately use both physical pain and the fear of ridicule or not being accepted as a means to attempt to destroy faith. Christians in America who aren't experiencing "persecution" like our brothers and sisters around the world must still be JUST as desperate in prayer for our own faith. We succumb to pressures to be silent and not share our hope all the time. Many times, we give in and do not share. That is where I have been for several years.
I tell myself that I'm not ashamed of the gospel, of Jesus, of His words and message, that I simply don't want to be lumped in with a group of people who others think are stupid. But that is an extremely fine line. Actually, I don't know if there is a line, just a gray area, and one day you wake up and realize that your life, actions, and words (or lack of words) show that you actually are ashamed of the gospel. God, forgive me.
"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith." Romans 1:16-17
"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.' Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe." 1 Corinthians 1:18-21
Also, Job 38-42. Just find it and read it.
I am not interested in arguing, and I would definitely be the world's worst apologist. People are saved when the Spirit moves and draws them near. Sometimes that's through apologetics-style conversations, sometimes not. I am NOT good at those conversations, although that doesn't mean I should never have them. I'd like to start, however, with sharing my own story of what God has done in my life.
My Story:
I have not blindly accepted any of the things I believe. A common misconception is that a Christian is simply a Christian because they are born into a Christian family. My faith was not something I simply got from my parents or others who I was close to. Yes, this is where I first learned of God, Jesus, the gospel, where these seeds were first planted. But let me tell you, I am a thinker. I think ALL the time, my wheels are always turning. Just ask my husband, it drives him nuts :) I think deeply and logically about any new idea that comes my way, and that included salvation and all that it meant (and still means).
It was in high school where I first understood the very basics of the gospel. I understood I was a sinner, I was not a good person, and I needed Jesus to save me. Even though on the outside I was a "decent person," I had very real sin in my life. I was terrible to my mother, very disrespectful. I liked to rationalize it away, but the reality is that it was sin, I was wrong, and I was separated from God because of it and so many other things. This is where I truly identified myself with Christ, trusting Him only for my salvation, and not in my own good deeds, which the Bible says were like filthy rags anyway.
In college, I continued to grow in my faith, to learn, to read the Bible. The seeds of truth that were planted in high school had taken root and were growing deep. Then 2004 happened. I came home for Christmas break, unsuspecting that anything would be different than it had been my whole life. We had Christmas as a family, and things were normal as 2003 came to a close. While I was home, God revealed to me two things from His word and I understood salvation in an entirely new way. I was reading the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den. Most people have heard it as kids, if you went to any VBS or church situation. As I read, it was truly like I had a covering over my eyes before, and suddenly everything made sense. In my mind's eye, I saw Daniel being thrown in, and these awful ravenous beasts ready to destroy him, yet Daniel was able to say the next morning, "My God sent his angel and shut the lions' mouths, and they have not harmed me, because I was found blameless before him." Amazing. When I read the next thing that happened, I was in awe. "Those men who had maliciously accused Daniel were brought and cast into the den of lions - they, their children, and their wives. And before they reached the bottom of the den, the lions overpowered them and broke all their bones to pieces."
As I read this, I was weeping as I understood for the first time that God's wrath is real, that those who aren't covered by the blood of Jesus will experience it, and that I have escaped it, because of what my beautiful Jesus has done. I'm not a scholar, I'm not saying that the lions necessarily represent God's wrath in the historical account of the book of Daniel, but in the moment where I read Daniel 6, I saw that the mouth of God's wrath was shut toward me, as those lions mouths were shut, and that if it wasn't that way, I'd be devoured. We all deserve a great punishment for our sin, and I had been spared! What an awe-inspiring thing! This 10 minute period of my life was more monumental than any other moment has ever been. God was preparing me.
Just months later, I would undergo the greatest trial I had ever known. My family as I had always known it was completely destroyed. My parents divorced, and months later, my mom passed away. I have no siblings, so I was alone in my pain. Have you ever been lonely? The word lonely seems so inadequate to describe the depths of what I experienced that year. I also have never experienced the sweetness of God in such ways as I did that year. After reading Daniel, cement was poured that day over my faith, making it sure and steady. Every other thing was ripped away from me that year, yet my faith stood strong. Since that year, I've been slowly rebuilding the pieces of my heart, and I'm not without scars. But one thing I have learned: God is faithful and He is good.
Even as I write this, cynical thoughts are already creeping in, saying, "People will argue with you, because you're citing the Bible, and if they don't believe the Bible, then the conservation will go nowhere." This is probably true, but my silence about what I believe and why I love Jesus stops here. Think me ignorant if you will, but I will not be ashamed of my God, my beautiful Savior, for one second more.
"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
"So Jesus said to the Twelve, 'Do you want to go away as well?' Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.'" John 6:68-69
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