The Most Random Life Update You Ever Did Read

My last blog was soooooooooooooooooo long ago.  When I'm working, it's so hard for me to think thoughts, much less process through and write them all down.  I guess I'll start with an overall life recap, although it may be wholly unnecessary, since I post on Facebook like I get paid for it.

Our life pretty much looks completely different than it did last year at this time.  Last year, we lived in our old house, I was staying at home, and Alex was a health coach.  This year, Alex is selling software for a different company, Luca goes to daycare, and I'm teaching 3rd grade.  Again.  After I gave most of my stuff away and was all, "Peace out, I'm never coming back!"  Life has a way of making you rethink the "nevers."  Here are a few main highlights of the past year:

1.  We love our new house!  I have had moments where I get nostalgic and I wonder if it was the right decision.  I mostly miss the front porch and my super deep ceramic bathtub.  When I second guess our move, you know what I always come back to?  Not the fact that this house has more bathrooms, is almost twice as big (with nearly the same mortgage), nor the fact that it has a garage. The hands-down best thing about this house is that it DOESN'T HAVE ROACHES.  So when I feel sad, I remember this monumentally amazing feature, and I know it was the right decision.  Also, our old house didn't have any place to go during tornadoes (every room had a window), so that's another pro for our new place!

2.  Teaching and being a parent has been hard.  I'm not whining, I'm just acknowledging.  The hardest part for me is that before I had Luca, I could just come home and sit in silence, for at least 30 minutes before I had to do anything, cook anything, talk to anyone, or even think.  It took me a few months to realize that was a big difference, and that I need to find a way to get that "recharge" time.  Well, let's just say that I know I need it, I just haven't figured out how to get it yet.  

One way that I've made the transition a little easier for myself is that I made a commitment at the beginning of the school year to never bring anything home, and so far I've stuck to it!  My students haven't suffered, I just use my time more efficiently at school.  I occasionally stay late or go in early, but I love that my home and my work are completely separate.  I've never been one of those "stay up all night working on extra projects" kind of teachers, but even without that, it's easy to bring home grading and planning.  Best decision ever for my family!

3.  We're kind of at a crossroads for what I should do next year.  Can't someone just create a part-time job with benefits that will pay me the same amount as I currently make as a teacher?  Send me the info when you find it :)  Since I've stayed at home and worked full-time as a teacher, I've figured out a few things.  I know that I enjoy working.  Here are my full-time pros and cons:  

Pros - I'm kinder to my husband (I have less time to think, which for me means less time to create situations in my mind that may or may not exist for me to worry and/or be mad about).  Money is not an answer to anyone's happiness, but it does help me not to be stressed, which again makes me nicer.  When I'm working, we have extra money to take care of projects, plan for a vacation, pay a baby-sitter for more dates, get my haircut more than once a year, and have little "extras."  

Cons:  I'm really tired a lot.  I don't get to see friends as often, because I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day, and weekends are primarily spent with us as a family, since we don't see each other much during the week.  I miss Luca.  I am fine with other people watching him, I just wish it was like 6 hours, instead of 9 or 10.  It makes me super sad.  He's a shy kid, so I think that daycare has been really good for him in a lot of ways, I just wish it was part time.  God knows what the future holds, so although I am tempted to be anxious every second since I like to know what's going to happen, I will remind myself (yet again) to trust and to wait.  

4.  Another big life change for me was being diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis about a year ago.  It has been such a struggle for me, as the main symptoms I deal with on a daily basis are brain fog (super bad, exchanging words for other words, not being able to remember names, unable to concentrate, forgetting where I put things) and very stubborn weight from my pregnancy.  I am super happy to say that I am down 20 pounds from last year at this time, when I decided it had to be possible to lose weight even with a thyroid that wasn't working properly.  It is possible, but let me tell you that it has been  S   L   O   W  weight loss.  I have always been accustomed to trying Weight Watchers or some exercise program and seeing results almost instantly.  That hasn't happened here, and it's been tough for me.  I've learned a few things over the last year.  

I have learned that I should probably be eating gluten-free since most people with Hashimoto's also have a gluten sensitivity.  I have learned that I can lose weight at home without a gym.  Half the weight came off in the first few months from working out at the YMCA (zumba and swimming were my favorites!), but the other half came off through kettlebell and kickboxing workouts in my living room with Fitness Blender and by being very strict about counting calories.  I have been kind of slacking lately, and I need to get back to what I was doing before - no matter what I ate, I had to burn enough calories to make it under the limit I set for myself.  For example, if I'm at my calorie limit, and I go over by 200 more because I'm super hungry, that's fine, but I just need to make sure to burn 200 calories by the end of the day.  It worked for me, and I just want to encourage anyone else out there dealing with stubborn weight that it is possible (I'm also reminding myself, since I'm only halfway to my pre-pregnancy weight, and I still have a little way to go).  I will add that I lost the 20 lbs without cutting out my almost daily dose of either Dr. Pepper or Sweet Tea (I know that's not a good choice, just being real with how I did it).  If I drank it, I added it to My Fitness Pal, and I'd have to pay for it later when I worked out.  

That's my life update for now!  I have two more weeks left, so maybe I'll even be able to write a few more blogs while Luca "naps."  And by naps, I mean has a "quiet rest time."  And by "quiet rest time," I mean "talking to himself loudly while he waits for me to come get him."  It's better than screaming though, so I'll take it!  

Life Update - So many changes!

In the voice of Chandler Bing, "Could there be any more life changes??"  That pretty much sums up the next few weeks of our lives!  When it rains it pours :)  

Upcoming Life Changes:

July 27 - I start back as a 3rd grade teacher at River Bend, where I taught before Luca was born.  

July 27 - Luca starts daycare!  Ahhhh, so many emotions about this one!

July 31 - We close on our house, and Lord willing we close on the house we are buying the same day (pending some inspection related negotiating).

August 5ish - We move into our new house after painting, cleaning, and some repairs are done.  

We have been praying for wisdom about me staying home or going back to work for several months now.   I don't regret my decision to stay home for the first year of Luca's life, because I had no idea how becoming a mother would affect me, both physically and emotionally (and I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, a thyroid disease, after Luca was born, which comes with a long list of symptoms that aren't exactly fun).  Let's just say it was a rough first 6 months, and there's no way I could have gone back at the time my maternity leave would have had me go back.  

But now things are getting better, and after many months of praying for wisdom specifically for our financial situation, we have some answers!  The daycare we wanted Luca to go to had an opening the same exact day of the first day my job would start.  I accepted the job, signed Luca up for daycare (well, we are still working on the 10 billion papers to fill out...), and it's all official!  And I'm really excited to rejoin some of the same wonderful teammates that I taught with at RBES!  :)  

We are pretty nervous about so many changes happening all at once, but we serve a God who is constant in the midst of any change, which brings so much comfort.  When I've been sad about leaving our house and getting a new one, Alex reminds me that our family is what creates our home, and wherever we are together, that will be our home :)  

So, the next few weeks will be crazy, but hopefully crazy good.  Prayers are appreciated!

My Journey Through Cynicism

I came across this article:  "Is Christian Cynicism a Spiritual Sickness?" this morning.  It is good.  And it close-to-perfectly describes me lately.  Lately, as in the last few years.  I couldn't put it into words adequately, until I read the article.  It helped me get to the bottom of a few things, including my own cynicism, how it began, and where I go from here.

My Struggle:
I can't pinpoint exactly when my journey away from joy and trust and into cynicism began.  I can, however, articulate the mindset shift that started it all.  Maybe I was watching a tv show where they made fun of Christians for the millionth time.  Maybe another friend or relative made a comment about my ignorance for believing the Bible.  Either way, I had this eye-opening moment where I realized, truly, how the world views Christians.  I realized people think we are dumb.  Like, completely 100% ignorant.  There's very little respect for people who trust in Jesus, and who believe the Bible to be true, therefore adhere to its teaching.

It snowballed from there.  I'm an observer, and once I realized this, I dwelled (dwelt?) on it a lot.  Have you ever had a friend come visit your home or your city for the first time?  And you see it through totally different eyes, and you imagine what they might think of it?  I began to do that with my faith.  

I started to constantly think of what others must think of me, of what I would say.  On Sunday mornings I would sing along, and as I was attempting to worship, these thoughts would enter my brain:  "What would ________ think of these words?  In what way would _________ combat what I'm saying?  How would _________ put me down for believe this?"  And yes, there were specific people in my head.  

As Facebook has become a huge part of most people's lives, so would my thoughts of what my FB friends would think of things I might post there.  Anytime I would think of something that I believe could be an encouragement to other people who believe the Bible, I would immediately scroll through a mental list of which people will think I'm dumb, ignorant, naive, politically incorrect, or even hateful for sharing it.  And then I would usually make the conscious decision not to share it.

This cynicism isn't working for me.  My joy has been replaced by constant thoughts and fears about how I am perceived by people in my life who believe differently.  I have been deeply hurt by comments others have made to me regarding my faith.  There are many Christians around the world as I type this who are suffering unspeakable things for their faith.  I think of these believers each night as I go to bed warm in my comfortable bed, and I pray desperately for them, and I pray that if I'm ever in a situation such as theirs, that God will sustain me, just as He is now.  

Words hurt.  They wound deeply, and although I am not experiencing persecution in the true physical sense of the word, I do think ridicule is painful, and I think Satan can ultimately use both physical pain and the fear of ridicule or not being accepted as a means to attempt to destroy faith.  Christians in America who aren't experiencing "persecution" like our brothers and sisters around the world must still be JUST as desperate in prayer for our own faith.  We succumb to pressures to be silent and not share our hope all the time.  Many times, we give in and do not share.  That is where I have been for several years.

I tell myself that I'm not ashamed of the gospel, of Jesus, of His words and message, that I simply don't want to be lumped in with a group of people who others think are stupid.  But that is an extremely fine line.  Actually, I don't know if there is a line, just a gray area, and one day you wake up and realize that your life, actions, and words (or lack of words) show that you actually are ashamed of the gospel.  God, forgive me.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.  For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith."  Romans 1:16-17

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.  For it is written, 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.'  Where is the one who is wise?  Where is the scribe?  Where is the debater of this age?  Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?  For since in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe."  1 Corinthians 1:18-21

Also, Job 38-42.  Just find it and read it.  

I am not interested in arguing, and I would definitely be the world's worst apologist.  People are saved when the Spirit moves and draws them near.  Sometimes that's through apologetics-style conversations, sometimes not.  I am NOT good at those conversations, although that doesn't mean I should never have them.  I'd like to start, however, with sharing my own story of what God has done in my life.

My Story:
I have not blindly accepted any of the things I believe.  A common misconception is that a Christian is simply a Christian because they are born into a Christian family.  My faith was not something I simply got from my parents or others who I was close to.  Yes, this is where I first learned of God, Jesus, the gospel, where these seeds were first planted.  But let me tell you, I am a thinker.  I think ALL the time, my wheels are always turning.  Just ask my husband, it drives him nuts :)  I think deeply and logically about any new idea that comes my way, and that included salvation and all that it meant (and still means).

It was in high school where I first understood the very basics of the gospel.  I understood I was a sinner, I was not a good person, and I needed Jesus to save me.  Even though on the outside I was a "decent person," I had very real sin in my life.  I was terrible to my mother, very disrespectful.  I liked to rationalize it away, but the reality is that it was sin, I was wrong, and I was separated from God because of it and so many other things.  This is where I truly identified myself with Christ, trusting Him only for my salvation, and not in my own good deeds, which the Bible says were like filthy rags anyway.

In college, I continued to grow in my faith, to learn, to read the Bible.  The seeds of truth that were planted in high school had taken root and were growing deep.  Then 2004 happened.  I came home for Christmas break, unsuspecting that anything would be different than it had been my whole life.  We had Christmas as a family, and things were normal as 2003 came to a close.  While I was home, God revealed to me two things from His word and I understood salvation in an entirely new way.  I was reading the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den.  Most people have heard it as kids, if you went to any VBS or church situation.  As I read, it was truly like I had a covering over my eyes before, and suddenly everything made sense.  In my mind's eye, I saw Daniel being thrown in, and these awful ravenous beasts ready to destroy him, yet Daniel was able to say the next morning, "My God sent his angel and shut the lions' mouths, and they have not harmed me, because I was found blameless before him."  Amazing.  When I read the next thing that happened, I was in awe. "Those men who had maliciously accused Daniel were brought and cast into the den of lions - they, their children, and their wives.  And before they reached the bottom of the den, the lions overpowered them and broke all their bones to pieces."  

As I read this, I was weeping as I understood for the first time that God's wrath is real, that those who aren't covered by the blood of Jesus will experience it, and that I have escaped it, because of what my beautiful Jesus has done.  I'm not a scholar, I'm not saying that the lions necessarily represent God's wrath in the historical account of the book of Daniel, but in the moment where I read Daniel 6, I saw that the mouth of God's wrath was shut toward me, as those lions mouths were shut, and that if it wasn't that way, I'd be devoured.  We all deserve a great punishment for our sin, and I had been spared!  What an awe-inspiring thing!  This 10 minute period of my life was more monumental than any other moment has ever been.  God was preparing me.  

Just months later, I would undergo the greatest trial I had ever known.  My family as I had always known it was completely destroyed.  My parents divorced, and months later, my mom passed away.  I have no siblings, so I was alone in my pain.  Have you ever been lonely?  The word lonely seems so inadequate to describe the depths of what I experienced that year.  I also have never experienced the sweetness of God in such ways as I did that year.  After reading Daniel, cement was poured that day over my faith, making it sure and steady.  Every other thing was ripped away from me that year, yet my faith stood strong.  Since that year, I've been slowly rebuilding the pieces of my heart, and I'm not without scars.  But one thing I have learned:  God is faithful and He is good.

Even as I write this, cynical thoughts are already creeping in, saying, "People will argue with you, because you're citing the Bible, and if they don't believe the Bible, then the conservation will go nowhere."  This is probably true, but my silence about what I believe and why I love Jesus stops here.  Think me ignorant if you will, but I will not be ashamed of my God, my beautiful Savior, for one second more.  

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?  Or am I trying to please man?  If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Galatians 1:10

"So Jesus said to the Twelve, 'Do you want to go away as well?'  Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.'"  John 6:68-69

Luca's Half Birthday!

Our little guy has really grown so much these last 6 months!!  Time is crazy.  It can seem so long or so short depending on what's going on around you.   People say it flies by when you have a little one, and I'm sure that will be true as I look back later, but these 6 months have felt more like a year.  I feel like God has really helped me have a good perspective, not to wish it away, but to enjoy the moments (even the tough ones), because they will zoom by.  Probably once he's on the move time will seem to speed up a lot more than the first 6 months.

Here's a little summary of the last six months since Luca came around:

2 Days before we met Luca, on our way to
our last "preparing for childbirth" class.
FYI:  It didn't help me that much!

Luca's First Day:
July 10, 2014
5 lbs. 5 oz. 19 in.

Random tidbit- My mom had me 3 weeks early on a Thursday at 7:24 pm.  I had Luca 3 weeks early on a Thursday at 7:26 pm.  Crazy!  I wish my mom could have been there to walk through everything with me, and tell me her birth story one more time, but I know even in loss God provides what we need when we need it.  I had sweet friends visit, check on me, and my husband was so awesome and helpful during labor.  

Month 1 - What the Heck Are We Doing

Zombie Papa

Zombie Mama

Luca pulled a bait and switch after about a week.  We knew nothing about babies in general anyway, and I can remember when he was about 5 days old watching a movie in our room while he slept in the pack and play beside the bed.  Cue the Staples phrase, "That was easy."  Ha.  Hahahaha.  Luca did a 180 about 2 days later, started crying, and didn't really stop until he was about 13-14 weeks old.  Rough.  Again, I fought really hard not to wish the time away.  Looking back, there are a few things I would do differently, but for the most part, I think we came out the other side of The Baby Fog pretty much in one piece.

Highlights from Luca's first month:
-I watched every single episode of Downton Abbey Season 4, NY Med, and Boston Med while I fed Luca or pumped in the middle of the night.
-I was so mad that when my child was finally sleeping a little bit longer (like 4 hours instead of 3), I would still have to get up and pump.  Seriously, to me, in that moment, nothing was worse.
-I would wake up, even when he was sleeping well, dreaming that he was smothered in blankets or I was crushing him (we don't co-sleep, so my dreams weren't even possibly happening, but I woke up so panicked every time.
-We were super thankful for the people who brought us a meal - our community group and several other friends were so generous and thoughtful towards us, and it was awesome not to spend too much time thinking about what we were going to eat
-Luca weighed 7 lbs. 8.5 ounces at his 1 month checkup.


Month 2 - There Are No Words
Whew.  Luca's second month was the height of his fussiness.  This was also the month Alex started working two jobs and my dog of 15  years, Poucha, had to be put to sleep.  I think these pictures sum up how we all felt about Month 2.

Highlights from Luca's second month:
-He weighed 9 lbs. 4.5 oz. at his 2 month weight check.
-He cried a lot.

Hulking Out

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Month 3 - Emerging from the Cocoon of Chaos

Highlights from Luca's third month:

-He finally smiled!

-He started sleeping through the night 7 pm to 7 am with a dream feed around 11 pm!  

-We had our first scary moment when we had to take him to the ER for spitting up blood.  Thankfully he ended up being fine, it was just a precursor to my mastitis that developed a few weeks later.

-He was baby Batman on Halloween.  We ate at BurgerFi.  When you're baby is too young to remember things, you commemorate holidays by doing things you like to do :)  

-After he had escaped every possible swaddle known to babies, Luca must have heard the rumor that if babies roll onto their faces while they're swaddled they get to stop being swaddled.  So that's what he did.  It only took a few days for him to adjust to sleeping unswaddled, and all was well.

-Luca weighed 9 lbs. 14.5 oz. at his 3 month checkup.

"I'm Batman."

Smiles!  What a beautiful sight!

Sweet sick boy after our ER visit

Month 4 - We Have Arrived

Highlights from Luca's fourth month:

-We re-introduced formula.  He wasn't gaining weight well at all suddenly (which I'm pretty sure was a result of the mastitis I mentioned earlier), so Alex worked really hard at getting him to take a bottle, and after about 3 days of attempts + the purchase of one bottle warmer (thanks for the idea Amy Moseley!) he became a pro.  :)

-Luca dropped his dreamfeed.  I went in one night, he wouldn't wake up to nurse, and that was that.  I never did it again, and he kept sleeping all night.  Woo hoo!

-Since crying had previously taken up so much of his time, he now has a lot of extra time on his hands to be very, very silly and cute.

-Luca weighed 10 lbs. 4 ounces at his checkup.  

Goofy baby

More silly faces :)

Month 5 - He's Gaining Weight!

Highlights from Luca's fifth month:
-Luca's first Thanksgiving was spent with our friends the Breges.  It was laid back, fun, and the food was yummy :)
-Our friend Lauren stayed with Luca while we went out to celebrate our anniversary with a yummy steak at Hayes Barton Cafe.  It was so good to get an evening out!
-Luca weighed 12 lbs. 6 oz. (gaining 4 times as much as he had gained the previous month)!  I know nursing is great and free and best for babies, but I'm thankful for the development of formula so that babies can still be healthy when nursing issues come up.

Tummy time is fun.
Well, not really, but mirrors help :)

On our anniversary date :)

Month 6 - Half a Year Already!

Highlights from Luca's sixth month:
-Alex and I got another date night out thanks to our friend Corrinna.  We went to see The Hobbit for Alex's birthday.  We love to go to movies, mostly for the popcorn, and we hadn't been to see one since Luca was born.  It was fun, even though I'm not a fan of LOTR movies generally.  I'm coming around a little, since Alex is good about explaining and I can appreciate the spiritual undertones.
-My dad came for Luca's first Christmas, and we had a good time together celebrating Jesus and his coming to earth to save sinners.  Luca LOVES his Grandpa Dan, and the two of the got some quality time together :)
-Luca will start some rice cereal this week and move on from there to solids.  My baby is growing up!  He loves standing up in his exersaucer and watching Rupert.  It's like a diver in a cage - he can play with Rupert without fear of consequences :)
-Luca currently weighs in at a whopping 13 lbs and is 25 inches long.

Meeting my dad at the airport :)

Yay!  Grandpa is here! 

Alex doesn't like a whole lot of
hoopla for his bday.  I made him a
Nestle Crunch "cake," since that's
just about the only dessert he likes.
The rice is there so the candles
will stand up on the plate...
clearly we're not Pinterest people.

We also couldn't find our lighter, so he
pretended to blow out the candles for
me to get a picture of him with Luca.
My husband is such a good sport :)

If you read this particular blog post, you are probably either family or a very patient and sweet friend of ours ;)  This recollection of events of the last 6 months will help me when I eventually fill in that cute baby book I bought that is collecting dust somewhere in the house.  Baby brain is (almost) as bad as pregnancy brain, and I don't want to forget the details of our sweet baby boy's first 6 months!

I leave you with the month-by-month pictures I took of Luca in the little stick-on ties I got from Etsy:

Judging Others: A Parable

Today, God taught me a lesson while I was driving.

I have some road rage.  I keep it "under control" most of the time (I used quotation marks because I know how much more angry I could be, although to others it may not look like my anger is in check).  Today, Luca and I were on our way to Target, where I inevitably spent more than I intended to spend, because Target is awesome.  

On the way home, it was getting dark.  Not totally, but dark enough where every car had its lights on.  Except one.  As I was trying to get over into the right lane so I could get off of I-440, I realized there was a car behind me with no lights on.  I believe my exact words were, "What kind of idiot wouldn't have their lights on right now!?  It's almost dark out!"  

Fast forward about 5 minutes.  I'm driving down Capital, getting closer to home, when I look down and realize... I don't have my lights on.  Oops.

First, I thanked God for keeping us safe, since that was a dumb thing to do (as mentioned earlier in my assessment of the other car).  Next, I immediately thought of what a hypocrite I had just been, and remembered Jesus saying, "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is a log in your own eye?"  Which got me thinking about a picture my husband posted last week on Facebook:

The part most people focus in on...

The rest of it.  All good, all true, and so much to absorb from the entire section.

During my car headlight scenario, I judged the other driver.  Jesus says, "Judge not."  I was wrong to judge the other driver.  But why was I wrong?  Was I wrong in this scenario because I should always accept what other drivers do, no matter how dangerous?  If we are going to genuinely try to understand the Bible, we need to be deep thinkers about the things Jesus says, and not choose to quote parts that feel acceptable and ignore parts that we don't like or that are confusing to us.

Matthew 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the log out of 

your own eye, and then you will see clearly to 

take the speck out of your brother's eye."  

We are hypocrites when we judge others actions while we are unwilling to take a good long look at ourselves, specifically if we are dealing with an issue or sin like the one we are judging someone else for.  However, it is so important to note that Jesus is telling us to help our brothers!  He doesn't say, "take the log out of your eye, and continue to ignore the speck in your brother's eye."  We are to help our brothers when they sin (as we should also want help when we sin).  Bringing something to their attention (humbly and with much prayer) is often what goes by the wayside, for fear we will be labeled judgmental.  

So, why was I wrong to judge the other driver's actions?   It wasn't because he was right and fine and good, and how dare anyone tell him otherwise.  It was because I was arrogant.  I was assuming I wasn't doing the exact same thing as him, and I was angry at him.  The "car" equivalent of this scenario could read, "How can you say to the other driver, 'Turn on your headlights,' when you don't notice that your own headlights are off.  You hypocrite, first turn on your own headlights, and you can see clearly to tell the other driver to turn on his headlights."  

Jesus is saying it is a good thing to help others see a sin.  The "judge not" is referring to the way in which we go about telling someone what they are doing is wrong, especially if we are sinning in the same way without turning from it.  John: 7:24 says, "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment."  It's all about the reason for and the way in which we are approaching someone else's sin.

One of my favorite stories about Jesus is when he rescues a woman about to be put to death:

"The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery.  Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women.  So what do you say?'  This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him.  Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground.  And as they continues to ask him he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.  And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground.  But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.  Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they?  Has no one condemned you?'  She said, 'No one, Lord.'  And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.'"  

Jesus did not condemn her.  Yet, he told her to sin no more from now on.  This shows that what she was doing was, in fact, sinful.  He didn't say, "It's not a big deal, lots of other people do stuff like that, so don't worry about it."  It was sin, and he called it that, while also reminding the Pharisees that they too have sin, possibly even the same sin she was in (I have no idea of course if that was the case, but it's entirely possible).  But oh how much love He showed her, both in rescuing her and in showing her she did not have to live that way any longer!

Our generation has completely abandoned the idea of moral absolutes, since so many these days do not know or believe Scripture.  Many Christians follow suit with one another out of the fear of being called closed minded and judgmental.  We say, "That's wrong, but it's only wrong for me.  I can't say if it's wrong or right for them."  That sounds "beautiful", doesn't it?  So accepting.  How tempting it is to just accept sinful behavior instead of carefully examining ourselves and other believers against Scripture.  Jesus is urging us to check ourselves for sin, repent, AND help a brother (or sister) who is in sin.  

I'm thankful for this reminder today, and that God teaches me lessons in real time while doing something as mundane as driving to the store.  He is good.

Wonderfully Made

"You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did."  ~Reverend James Hufstetler~

"For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them."

Psalm 139:13-16

When was the last time I genuinely praised God for the way He made me?  I can't remember the last time, until this morning when I was convicted by the Spirit for the way I see myself.  This is not the "self-love" that makes us self-centered and self-focused, but the recognizing that God made us.

Not "God made US."  But, "God made us."  The focus is on God and His goodness, and the trust that His works are good.  "Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well."  

My prayer is that my soul will know full well that God did a good thing when He created me (not because I'm awesome, but because He is).  This is so freeing.  When I have this level of contentment, I am freed to love others.  When I was single, I saw this playing out the most in my friendships with other girls.  Jealousy is a terrible disease to any friendship.  When I was genuinely happy for someone, our friendship was strengthened, but when I was jealous, our friendship suffered.

That still happens from time to time, but now that I am married, I see this playing out mostly with Alex.  I want to be beautiful in the eyes of my husband.  And I'm thankful that he thinks I am.  But when so much of my focus is placed on looks, my attitude shifts and I'm cranky, rude, and generally in a bad mood if I don't feel pretty.  I can't tell you how many arguments we have had that started because I was in a bad mood because I couldn't find anything to wear or because my hair looked bad.  How many arguments could have been avoided and how many sweet conversations could have been had instead if my thoughts were focused on God, His goodness, my salvation through Jesus, thankfulness that I am able to walk, talk, hear, see, run, exercise, eat.  

I have been fighting against the whole baby weight issue by praying a lot and trying to cultivate a genuine thankfulness that I was able to carry a baby and give birth to our son.  I understand this is a blessing, and when I dwell on that with a heart of thankfulness, it makes the slow process of losing weight much more joyful.  I want to focus on what I have instead of what I think will make me happy right then (being thinner).  

Attraction has its place in marriage, but I think my husband would honestly say that the times I have stolen his heart the most have been when godly character shines through.  Maybe it's the way he has seen me love and care for Luca, or in forgiving him or asking for forgiveness myself when I'm wrong.  These things have nothing to do with the outward appearance and everything to do with character built through knowing Christ and being changed through the reading of God's word.  So while I am seeking to be healthy through exercising and eating right, my joy doesn't need to rest in accomplishing those things.  

I hope this is an encouragement to many women out there who might be dealing with some of the same issues as me.  My mini-goal for the near future is to specifically focus on cultivating a heart of thankfulness and worship on Sunday mornings (as that seems to be the time where I'm most vulnerable to frustration and anger about my physical appearance) so that I can hear the Word preached from a place of thankfulness and not be distracted by the "cares of this world."  

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

10 years ago this week...

It has been 10 years since my mom breathed her last.  I remember the day and the days leading up to it like it was yesterday.  I was in college at UWF, and I had a night class.  My mom had called me right before it started to tell me that she had called an ambulance and was heading over to the hospital.  She had so many health problems, and this was not super out of the ordinary.  I told her I would come right away, and she said not to, to just stay and she'd let me know later how she was doing.  Hours passed and I never heard anything.  That would be our last conversation.  

When I didn't hear from her, I called and called her cell phone.  I remember calling Mrs. Jean Lamberson and probably Ms. Kay Geoghagan and Ms. Vicki Morgan to find out if they knew how she was.  And I prayed.  Oh, how I prayed.  I begged God for some sort of information about her.  Sometime in the middle of the night, my phone rang.  What a dread it is to hear the phone ringing in the middle of the night.  It's almost never good news.  It was my mom's doctor letting me know that her heart had stopped several times and they had been able to revive her, but I should come right away.  

I ran into Hallie's room.  Our friend Valerie was spending the night, and I didn't know what to do, I just burst into tears and said, "My mom's dying!  I have to leave!"  They immediately got up and drove me the 2ish hours to Panama City.  Everything after that is truly a blur.  I remember the doctors telling me that I had to make the decision of whether or not they should resuscitate her if she needed it.  I remember lying outside on the back patio of my mom's house once I had made it home to St. Joe that night, looking up at the stars, begging God to do something, to help her, to heal her.  I remember sweet friends around me.  I even remember laughing to myself at one point:  at the time, there was a pastor from St. Joe who I literally saw absolutely everywhere we went (Chinese restaurant?  he's there.  Piggly Wiggly?  he's there.  Dollar store?  there.)  Guess who happened to be visiting someone at the hospital?  And guess who was in the room at the time of my mom's death?  Yep.  And it still makes me giggle at how absurd it was that he was there in that moment, but somehow it was fitting.  

When her final hour came, there was a handful of other people there as well.  Ms. Kay suggested singing hymns around her bed in the ICU.  We sang and cried.  She was unresponsive, and I don't exactly know how death works, but I believe she could hear us.  At the moment of her death we were singing "Jesus, Name Above All Names."  Only God could orchestrate a moment so sweet - my mom sang this to me every night before I went to bed.  I sing it to Luca sometimes, and I usually can't make it through without crying.

What a dark moment, yet so full of hope.  We are not meant to die!  Death is unnatural, and even though it happens to everyone sooner or later, it is not how it was originally supposed to be.  We were created for so much more than this world.  If this world was all there was, I would grieve with no hope.  But thanks be to God, I can grieve over my mom and miss her terribly with full assurance that she is with the Lord.  And definitely not based on her own merit.  My mom would have been the first to tell anyone what a sinner she was.  She had much guilt from her past choices in life, but that guilt was washed away by Jesus!  She completely trusted Him to save her.  She knew she could never save herself.  She did not look or act like a typical "church lady."  She offended people and got angry and had addictions, but I learned more from her about what it truly means to trust Jesus for my salvation than anyone else I've ever known.  With my mom, there was no doubt.  It was 100% Jesus 0% her.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.

He only is my rock and my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.  

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.  

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;  I shall not be shaken.  

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my might rock, my refuge is God."

from Psalm 62*

It has been 10 years.  But she's no less days to sing God's praise then when she had first begun.

I came across some pictures that I hadn't even realized 

look so similar of my mom and me and of Luca and me :)

*As I was typing this I was listening to Shane and Shane (still never gets old to me, probably because most of their lyrics are straight out of Scripture).  Right after I typed part of Psalm 62, their song "Psalm 62" came on :)  I love it when God reminds me of His presence and trustworthiness through something even as small as the timing of when a song plays.